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joke of the week DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

Discussion in 'Non Fishing Chat' started by Ringer, Aug 2, 2007.

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  1. barry

    barry Blenny

    Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
    Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small yard."

    Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
    Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
    Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

    A coach load of Paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

    Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

    Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
    The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

    Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
    Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

    Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
    Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

    The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

    Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
    Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
    Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
    Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
    Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
     
  2. barry

    barry Blenny

    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

    Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

    "How many customers bought something from you today son?"

    The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

    The boss says "Just one?!!?
    Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

    That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida .

    One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.

    He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

    The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

    The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.

    Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.

    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Ford 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........
     
  3. barry

    barry Blenny

    A Good investment



    The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and I have some bad news.

    The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

    The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures

    are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

    The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just

    made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

    The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.
     
  4. barry

    barry Blenny

    A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

    The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

    Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

    The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

    Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
     
  5. barry

    barry Blenny

    Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

    Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in a state of sado-masochistic ecstasy.

    About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

    The doctor takes one look at her wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

    Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

    Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
     
  6. tom fisher

    tom fisher Blenny

    The home phone rings and "the wife" answers.
    A pervert with heavy breathing says: I'll bet you have a tight ass with no hair.
    The woman replies: Why yes I do. He's watching the telly. Who shall I say is calling?
     
  7. tom fisher

    tom fisher Blenny

    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
     
  8. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
     
  9. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    Q: What do you call a Mexican midget? A: A paragraph cause he's too short to be an essay.
     
  10. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    How do you make an Octopus laugh? With ten-tickles
     
  11. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
     
  12. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
    For fingering a minor.
     
  13. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
    One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
     
  14. Jethro1

    Jethro1 New Member

    Why do women have orgasms?
    Just another reason to moan, really.
     

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