Discussion in 'Non Fishing Chat' started by Ringer, Aug 2, 2007.
my welsh mate was found dead yesterday ,he died peacefully in his sheep
I went into a bar last night and instead of the usual signs on the toilet it had xx and xy for the chromosomes of men and women.
My science teacher said I would need science in the future,
but I didnt realise I would have to revise for my next piss.
My wife is just like Radio 1.... I rarely turn it on anymore and when i do it's always a disappointment
One day a man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your ass with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his ass with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
I was in the pet shop last week when I noticed a Pakistani with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder.
"Where did you get that from....?" I asked.
"Birmingham, there's bloody thousands of them there....!"
said the parrot.
An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car.
Cameron helps the old guy to his feet.
"Thanks," he says.
"If you really want to thank me,"says Cameron, "just vote for me and my party in the next election."
"Listen, mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my f**king head."
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, come and take a look in the garage."
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!....
A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks, why in the world are you walking around like this?
The cowboy says: Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
Now go to town cowboy.
So here I am.
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from
the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's
on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that
sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way
the salesman will know it was her who vented to the atmosphere.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller
is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
Two Yorkshiremen are out fly fishing on the river Wharfe.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Harry continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'
A Yorkshireman walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.
The Yorkshireman doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.
Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here, iron that."
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks Jules, the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I "
Another blonde joke.
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear ... he certainly can't wear glasses."
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
Newly qualified blonde schoolteacher starts her new job. She was watching the boys playing together
on the field. She noticed that one of the kids was standing on his own some distance from the others.
She went over to him and said, "you don't have to stand here, why dont you go over and play with the others".
He replied, "no miss, it's best if I stay here," she said "whatever is the matter, dont you want to go and play
with the others" he said, " no miss, I'm the goal keeper.
As I was walking down the street I saw a nigger with a telly under his arm, I thought ''Fuck me that looks like mine!'', then I remembered mine was at home sweeping the back yard....
I was visiting Notre Dame in Paris a few weeks ago,when suddenly I heard a scream, and saw a man falling from the top of the Cathedral, he landed with a right thump on the path in front of me, I ran to him, but saw he was in a right state, face all battered, his back obviously badly deformed...blood everywhere, not a chance of survival..... I looked around for a priest to give him the last rights, when I heard a voice coming from the top of the building shouting and screaming...
Quasimodo, What have I done .........
I looked down at the smashed up figure on the ground, with a great effort he opened his eyes, opened his mouth and whispered..
Esmeralda, when I asked you to toss me off this is not what I had in mind..
The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.
All week they nudge Dopey sniggering "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"
Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.
As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!"
"Ask me what?" Questions the pope.
The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!",
"What would you like to know?", says his holiness.
"Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?"
"Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don't differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs.
"Is there more to your question young man?"
"Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?"
"well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"
ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!
"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed.
"Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!
"WHAT"! Splutters the pope.
"I'm sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"
All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing.
"DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"
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