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joke of the week DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

Discussion in 'Non Fishing Chat' started by Ringer, Aug 2, 2007.

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  1. tatch1

    tatch1 Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    just got this text message , not sure if its a prank - you have won £250 worth of shopping vouchers or one nite at a Elvis tribute concert - - Press 1 for the money, or 2 for the Show
     
  2. tatch1

    tatch1 Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she
    fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love
    my new Taser
     
  3. tatch1

    tatch1 Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night
    when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
    'We don't waste money on newspapers.
    Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

    I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........
     
  4. NICKB

    NICKB Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    Couple driving home and in the pouring rain, they run over a Badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks", he says "Well hold the Badgers nose then!"
     
  5. Groyne

    Groyne Guest

    On July 9th 2012, a group of bikers from Liverpool were riding south on the M6 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Thelwall Viaduct.

    So they stopped.




    Paul Murray, their leader, a short fat man of 57, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Motorway Police, and says,



    "What are you doing?"



    She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

    After they finished, Paul gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting.







    You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed……
     
  6. Groyne

    Groyne Guest

    Dublin mortuary

    Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big
    smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what
    has happened.

    First body: "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
    making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile,
    Inspector", says the Coroner.

    Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
    lottery. "Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

    The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

    'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
    Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

    'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

    'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
     
  7. barry

    barry Blenny

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
    "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*stard!"

    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*stard!"
    The judge stops and says to Taffy in the back of the courtroom.
    Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
    but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
    Taffy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door
    to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one. “
     
  8. codnchips

    codnchips until the end

    as my spunk ran down her chin, i looked her in the eyes and said softly, is that nice? she replied NO, what the f**k is in this sandwich!
     
  9. NICKB

    NICKB Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
    "A spa would be nice" she replied.
    "Ok" I said, jabbing her in the nose three times, "You'll have to be quicker than that though fatty."
     
  10. Cartman74

    Cartman74 Guest

  11. barry

    barry Blenny

    A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
    As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
    boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why
    She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
    tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
    She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.
    Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
    Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
    'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
    talks, the dumber he gets.
     
  12. barry

    barry Blenny

    How do you know you're leading a sad life?
    When a nymphomaniac tells you "Lets just be friends".



    The Virile Indian !!
    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
    and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone,
    but the Indians in his trible could not resist and teased him about it.
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
    'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
    He jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
    he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
    named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,
    made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night,
    but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
    Why ???

    OH, come on... take a guess !!!

    Think about it !!!

    You're going to love this !!!




    Everyone knows...
    You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!



    There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
    Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
    She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
    She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*stard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

    The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."
     
  13. Groyne

    Groyne Guest

    The missus bought a Paperback
    Down W H Smiths on Saturday,
    I had a look inside her bag;
    T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

    Well I just left her to it,
    At ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread…..

    In her left hand she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down on the floor,
    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
    And she’s eighty four next week.

    Watching Doris bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    But things then went from bad to worse;
    When she toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled up upon her feet;
    A couple of minutes later;
    Then put her teeth back in and said
    That I had to dominate her!!

    Now if you knew our Doris,
    You’d see just why I spluttered,
    Cos I’d just spent months in traction
    For the last complaint I’d muttered.

    She stood there nude, and naked like;
    Then bent forward just a bit ….
    So I thought ..what the hell.. moved in,
    and stood upon her t**!

    Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My god what had I done!?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    “Step on the other one”!!

    Well readers, I can tell no more;
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
    Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
     
  14. michael76

    michael76 Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The BestEST

    Aged 15 itchy fanny ? U need saville-on..
     
  15. barry

    barry Blenny

    Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
    And every year Bill would say,
    " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
    Blanche always replied,
    " I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
    And twenty quid is twenty quid! "
    One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
    " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
    If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
    To this, Blanche replied,
    " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
    The pilot overheard the couple and said,
    " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
    But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
    Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
    The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
    But still not a word...
    When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
    " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
    I'm impressed! "
    Bill replied,
    " Well, to tell you t'truth
    I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
    But tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "
     
  16. Tubaluk

    Tubaluk New Member

    THE VIBRAT*R

    As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
    buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
    daughter with a vibrat*r.

    Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'

    The daughter replied: ' Mom I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
    this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
    and leave me alone.'

    The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
    other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
    observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrat*r.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:
    'Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close
    as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
    the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
    from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her
    husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrat*r was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

    The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'
     
  17. peter catchpole

    peter catchpole Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    i went to bed with a girl with a plastacine fanny last night ,i didnt penetrate her but i think i made a good impression :whistle:
     
  18. michael76

    michael76 Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The BestEST

    Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.
     
  19. jethro

    jethro New Member

    A nun joins a convent that have a very strict vow of silence code. The mother superior however is a kind soul and would allow them 2 words once a year.
    The new nun did her first year and was summoned to the mother superiors office. " Now my child" said the mother superior. "You have had a year to contemplate your thoughts so what 2 words have you to say!?
    The new girl thought for a while and replied "Beds hard!".
    The mother superior sent her back to her life of silence.
    Another year passed and the nun was summoned once again."What are your 2 words my child ?"asked the mother superior.
    The nun thought and said "Foods rubbish"
    Once again she was sent back.
    The next year came and she was once again summoned to the mother superior. " Its that time of year again sister, what are your 2 words" asked the mother superior.
    Without any hesitation the nun said "I'm leaving".
    The mother superior turned round and said "Thank fu*k for that, You've done nowt but moan since you got here.!.
     
  20. Ian Alexander

    Ian Alexander Whitby Fishing Forum _ Simply The Best

    Paddy rings the RSPCA and tells them,
    "I've found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and her cubs",
    "That's terrible", replies the operator, "Are they moving?",
    Paddy says, "I'm not sure to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase"
     

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